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Rock, Paper, Scissors
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Posted by jaygross
Comments: 1

Yesterday I was flipping through the channels at 9pm EST (can't go out partying every Saturday night), and here's what I found:

  • Braveheart - awesome movie, but I seen it at least 50 times and it's 4 hours long.

  • The encore of Yankees Old Timers from earlier in the day. As much as I enjoy watching Homer Bush steal second base off Jim Leyritz (a true "bush league" play), I couldn't bring myself to watch all these guys I can't stand. Side note for the struggling Yanks who lost yet again, Roger Clemens (who started the following game) is older than 5 of the Yankee old timers.

  • The MLB.com telecast of my Red Sox losing in a marathon 13 inning game. Come on Manny, stop hitting into double plays with runners in scoring position - you are becoming the second coming of Jim Rice. I have to give Jim Leyland a lot of credit, he intentionally walked Ortiz 3 straight times (after he crushed a homer and double earlier in the game) so Papi couldn't win another game at the end.

Then I checked ESPN 2 (a.k.a. the ocho), and found one of the most disturbing waste of television programming ever. Bud Light sponsored the first ever Rock, Paper, Scissors (RPS) championship from Vegas baby. First prize was $50,000. And we all thought NBA All Star weekend was crazy, but nothing could be crazier than this (I hope you can detect my sarcasm here). So fo course I had to watch it, I just don't have enough will power to overcome my curiousity.

Isn't ESPN a sports network? How could anyone, who wasn't completely drunk, really consider this a sport? I guess that would explain Bud as a sponsor. I thought Poker pushes the limit, but this is a whole new level. Even though their site goes down regularly, you view more about it at USARPS.com.

Poor Trey Wingo is stuck trying to add serious play by play with a clown named Master Roshem-something-or-other (pictured to the right). This guy must have gotten stuffed into lockers on a daily basis when he was in high school. I think they were trying to micmic the announcers from the movie Dodgeball (absolutely great movie), but they just couldn't pull it off. Far more lame than entertaining.

So for an hour, we get a 256 person single elimination tournament of people playing RPS. You got the little backstories on many of the players, which lasted significantly longer than the RPS matches. And they all had cheesy nicknames, like boxing or pro wrestling.

So on to the highlights and my favorite personalities:

Best Character:
There was a guy named "Shears", his real name is so unimportant. He would play in a red boxing robe with hood up over his head. He had an oven mit on his non-shooting hand. He put on a "I'm crazy and I am going to scare you as I beat you down" act, and he talked all kinds of smack.He even had a different voice for this alter ego. He lost in the semis or quarters to a fat, annoying guy who took himself way too seriously. It was the lowlight of the night.

The Hot Chick:
There was a tremendous amount of support for a fitness trainer named Erica Cox. She was OK, but looked much better the group of fat guys in their 20's and 30's. Her backstory had her training hard and doing all kinds of funky pilates moves that would me in the hospital.

In general, there was huge amount of support for all of the females. And for such a lame sport, I think ESPN picked for their choices well of which people they showed on camera. No one had a moo-moo or parachute pants on, so I have to give their producers some credit.

The Winner:
Jamie Langridge of Texas took the prize. What an amazing experience it must have been for him:

  1. He got to go to Veags, baby. A very big accomplishment for this guy and his "lovely" wife. Note to his wife, don't wear stretch pants if there is even the slightest chance for you to be on TV. If only what happened in Vegas could have stayed in Vegas.

  2. He won the tourney and got to be on the same stage as a Budweiser exec holding $50K in cash next to him. The exec was more slick than Wilmer Valderama showing the cash-money in Yo Momma epsiodes.

  3. He won $50K, and proclaimed he was going to party on the town. Was hoping he was going for World Peace, but a night in Vegas for a white trash backstory is like bringing about World Peace.

  4. He got to be interviewed by Leann Tweeden (smoking lingire model & spokeswoman), who was doing the sideline reporting gig. Leann immediately needs to fire her hairdresser as it looked like she had a bird's nest on her head. But even so, she is still significantly better looking than anyone related to RPS should be. She must miss the days of Fitness Beach and The Best Damn Sports Show.

The Loser:
No question about this one, the loser is me.

Couldn't I have found some lame reality TV show about fighting roommates, wannabe chefs/hairdressers/etc., people looking for love/hookups, or Flavor Flav? Couldn't I have watched a movie? Couldn't I have been scanning eBay for deals on vintage cards? Couldn't I have actually written a letter to get some autographs?

I invested almost a full hour of my life watching this total garbage... with the express intent of looking for content so I could make fun of this farce on this blog.



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